This has been the most mixed up weekend I have... Ever had in my life. Never have I been left feeling so.... I don't even know what I feel. There are so many emotions spiraling around in my head and in my heart that I'm afraid that I won't be able to control all of them. I wish some would just go away and I wish I could hold on to the others, because they are what is making it bearable.
I asked a question yesterday. A question that I was very afraid to ask.
I was afraid to ask the question because I knew what the answer was going to be. And he said what I thought he would say. In some ways it is a relief. That I know him better than just a few ideas, even though there is a lot that is still kept away from me. I don't blame him for that. I mean you wouldn't tell someone you were unsure of everthing now would you?
I wish I could say knowing it doesn't make it feel like a slap in the face. But you can't be ready for things like this. And I couldn't help my heart breaking just a little bit.
So a big part of me wishes I was more. I was better. I could mean more.
After the question. We walked around together. We were going to go see Snow White and the Huntsman (It's great by the way. Go see it if you can). I asked the question a couple hours before and we had time to kill. I didn't want to sit somewhere where I would have to look into his face so I asked him if we could walk together.
We ended up in a park and sat on a bench.
A woman called out to us from across the park. She was trying to stand up for the fact that she was drinking wine in the small park, by herself, late in the evening and she asked us where the nearest clinic was. While we thought about it she walked over to us.
She was a sweet looking older woman, around 52 I think she said, she was blond and pretty and jingled when she moved around from the bracelets on her arms. She had lines on her face that could only mean years of laughing and smiles. But her eyes were sad and broken when she started speaking to us.
I know she was looking for comfort when she told us about why she was actually drinking late in the park alone. She had been in accident. And she had come out alive where the man she had hit with her car had not.
She told us his age and how many children he had and I could see the tears push up to her eyes with every word. I couldn't bring myself to look away from her even when Boy offered her some words of comfort. We talked for what seemd like ages but only in the space of a few minutes.
She smelled like a sweet perfume when she gave us both a hug and a kiss on the cheek for having listened to her. We offered her whatever words of comfort we could.
When she left I couldn't help but break down into tears. Because I felt bad for her, because I knew that Boy had been through similar problems and because I was bothering him with questions that I really shouldn't be bothering him with.
He hugged me tighter than even the woman had.
I can even believe he felt just as bad as I did in that moment and later that evening. He doesn't realize that I can't ask for anyone better to care for.
Even if it is not as mutual.
The movie was good. And today I got the tattoo I have been waiting for.
The artist is such a sweetheart.
For now. I just hope that I can hold on to the good for just long enough that I can realize that it isn't so bad.
